Stargazing
by apriiil
Summary: Even on his deathbed, looking up to the stars with the love of his life in his last moments can bring a smile to his face. [Alternate ending to Chapter 32 of Souls & Spirits]


**So, for those that have read Souls & Spirits, this is an alternate ending to Chapter 23 (and technically, the story as a whole, I suppose). It's... Very angsty. Not gonna lie about that one. Definitely wasn't easy to write, but... I pulled through. Eventually, lol. Only because this story had my ass up at 3AM, telling me that it needed to be written.  
**

 **Anyway. If you haven't read S &S, a lot of the first part won't make that much sense. Context and background wise, at least. Still fine as a standalone story, but... It would help with the entire scene if you do know what goes on before this. **

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Lucy's breath caught in her throat just as a strangled cry left it as she took in the Seith mage before her, and she fell to her knees on the rubble beneath him as trembling hands reached out to gently push the damp hair that was stuck to his forehead away. She couldn't bear to look down at where the thin piece of sheet metal was piercing his stomach from the rubble beneath him.

Bickslow's eyes turned to look at the blonde beside him, and a wide – though pained – smile split his lips. Just seeing Lucy okay in front of him had him forgetting the searing pain in his side. She was a little battered and bruised, but, she was okay, and that was all that mattered to Bickslow. "Hey," he finally whispered, his voice hoarser than he'd expected it to be.

"Hey," Lucy whispered back with her own sad smile. Even when he was quite literally on his deathbed – something she was refusing to believe – he was still smiling. "How are you doing?" she asked softly.

He shrugged as best he could as he glanced down to the bloodied piece of steel piercing him through and through. Small pieces of his cloak and shirt were torn and hanging from the jagged edges, and as he saw the thin rivulets of his crimson blood trickle down, he couldn't help but grimace. "I've been better," he answered before he looked back into the chocolate brown eyes that were brimming with tears. "But hey, guess what. At least I get to say I'll love you until the day I die. That's got to count for something, right?"

Lucy shook her head and let her tangled hair fall across her face. "N-No, Bicks…" she whimpered. "You c-can't say that… You… Y-you can't…" Her voice faded to nothing when she felt Bickslow tucking her hair behind an ear, and she lifted her head again just to shake it again. "You can't do t-this," she whispered.

She wasn't ready for Bickslow to leave, and she didn't think she ever would be. A world without the grinning and laughing prankster and pervert of the guild… To Lucy, it just wasn't really a world. Or at least, it wasn't one she wanted to be in and was prepared to face. She didn't want a future where Bickslow wasn't there with her, because already, that was that she looked forward to the most.

In less than five months, she had fallen so hopelessly, irrevocably, head over heels in love with him, and Lucy was sure that there wouldn't be another day ahead of her where she didn't love Bickslow. Already, Lucy was sure of that, because when she looked at Bickslow, she saw the love of her life and all of the infinite futures they could share together. A part of her knew that she shouldn't be thinking about those kinds of things just yet – she shouldn't be thinking of getting married and having kids and a life and everything else with Bickslow. Not yet, at least. She just really couldn't help it. She couldn't help seeing what she desperately wanted one day.

She couldn't help thinking about her future with the man she loved and had dreamed about spending the rest of her life with.

But when she looked back up to Bickslow that time, seeing the pain in his eyes and not even the smallest hints of a smile on his lips, she couldn't see any of that. All of the moments she'd dreamed about happening one day were just… Gone. The future she hoped and wanted them to have together was nowhere to be found, because without Bickslow, none of those futures she'd only fantasised about existed.

He wouldn't be there to make them happen, and as much as Lucy didn't want to accept that fate, she knew she had to.

"Lucy," Bickslow said as softly as he could manage, not that it was hard at that moment. "I mean it though." A thumb swiped across her cheek to catch the tears that skated down, and he smiled again for just a short moment, then whispered, "Even if… Even if it wasn't right now… I would still love you until the day I die."

He was acutely aware that he shouldn't be saying that, but he couldn't stop himself. Bickslow knew what was coming. From the moment he'd landed on his back and on the damn piece of metal in the first place, he'd known. And even though he'd had time to just lie there and stare up at the stars in the night sky and accept his death, it didn't mean it didn't hurt any less.

Was he scared of dying? No, not really. He was just a little curious as to what there actually was on the other side of that thin veil. Or if there was even anything at all.

But did he want to? Definitely not. Because dying would mean he was leaving Lucy, and he didn't want to do that. He didn't want to lose the one thing in his life that meant more than anything ever had. Not so soon after getting it. Four and a half months just wasn't long enough to Bickslow. It wasn't long enough with the one woman he was sure he would ever love.

Whether it was right then, in five days, months, years, or decades, Bickslow would love Lucy until the day he died. No matter when that day was. He just couldn't even describe how painful it was to know that it really was right then, and what he was doing was spending the last moments of his life with her.

And that, even though it hurt like hell, made Bickslow smile just a little bit. He was getting to spend the last moments of his life with the one person he never expected to be the love of his life, and he realised it could be much worse. He could have been alone when it happened, only for them to find him some point later when he was long gone. But he wasn't alone. He had Lucy there, and even though he'd seen both of their teams moving away from the large hole in the wall to give them their privacy, his friends knowing exactly what was happening, he knew they were there.

He had the ones he cared about most with him, and that was all Bickslow wanted and needed. It made it all just that little bit easier.

"I know, Bickslow," Lucy whispered. She could feel her heart slowly breaking in her chest. It wasn't just from watching the one person she loved more than anything in the world die right in front of her very eyes, but it was from seeing him in pain. She knew that he was in immense pain, but she could see how hard Bickslow was trying not to let her see that. He was trying to be strong in his final moments. For her. Because he loved her, and he always would. "A-And I'll always love you too," she said after a moment, her voice trembling as much as her hands. "Always."

Lucy looked up when Bickslow turned his eyes back to night sky above them, and a pained smile flitted across her lips. It was almost the universe's version of a cruel joke that the sky was lit up like a Christmas tree for them; that the one time they'd finally be able to look up to them together would be the first and last.

She turned and leant back on the pile of rubble they were on, and ignoring the sharp pieces that were digging into her back just a little bit, and the sticky feeling of blood on the backs of her legs and probably her clothes, she lightly reached for Bickslow's hand to lace their fingers together and she held it over her abdomen, just squeezing it reassuringly every now and then. All she wanted to do was curl up around Bickslow, but she didn't want to hurt him any more than he already was, so she could settle with just having their shoulders and sides barely brushing together. Just enough to remind him that she was there and he wasn't alone.

So they both laid there in the pile of rubble that was once a building of some sort, just staring up at the night sky that twinkled and sparkled like it did every night. Lucy pointed out the constellations she could see, and Bickslow listened to every word. He tried his best to keep his breathing steady when it got too hard, and he tried his best to keep his eyes open, even though it was getting hard to focus and the edges were blurring. He knew he was getting closer to the inevitable, and even when they just laid there in silence, he didn't mind it.

He still wasn't scared of what was coming, but just laying there under the stars and holding Lucy's hand had him not wanting to let go. He wasn't ready for that yet, but he knew he was quickly running out of time. Time that he hadn't had enough of to begin with.

"You know," Bickslow said softly when she felt her hand tighten around his again. "I never did tell you when it was I fell in love with you."

Lucy turned her head to look to him with a shocked smile. "You know when you did?" she asked.

"Of course I do," he answered with the barest of chuckles, but no matter how quiet, it still had a ripple of pain running through him and a grimace setting over his features. "It was on our first date. And do you remember when we… When we were walking back… to your apartment, and you were on the… canal, and you hadn't let go of my hand since we left the park."

"When I wanted to look up at the stars."

Bickslow nodded. "I never really did understand why you… liked to do that so much. Not then, anyway." The more he talked, the more strained his voice got, but he pushed through it. He had to push through the pain because there were things he needed to get out, and he needed to do so while he had the chance. He opened his eyes again as he let out an unsteady and pained breath, and he felt the corner of his lips pull up into the faintest of smiles at the stars that never seemed to fade. "But… I get it now," he whispered again. "They… They're comforting. And they're so… Peaceful. And they make me think of you."

Lucy couldn't respond to that. Not verbally and with words, at least. All she could do was screw her eyes shut and try and stop the countless tears from rolling down her cheeks that were already covered in them. She held back her sobs, and she tried her best to be silent – for Bickslow. She didn't want him seeing or knowing just how much it hurt her to see him and hear him like that, but she figured he already knew. He always knew, and it was probably why he was saying what he was. He was trying to give her a reason to smile when she couldn't, because she was just in too much pain to do so.

Her heart, her soul… Everything just hurt.

So they laid there again after he stopped bringing up all the moments that he wished he'd had more of, only trying to give her a reason to smile or hear her laugh one final time, with Bickslow's eyes shutting again, and Lucy only watching him. The way his chest barely rose and fell harshly with each ragged breath that she could see was causing him pain, and the way every now and then a single tear would fall from the corner of his eyes. Lucy knew he was nearing his end, and that they really were his last moments, and theirs together, but he was holding on. Just a little bit longer.

"Do you think…" he began suddenly, breaking the silence that surrounded them once again. "Do you think that if… things would've happened differently, we'd still be… together?" Bickslow paused when he felt Lucy barely shifting beside him, her thumbs rubbing circles over his hand, before he whispered, "Do you think we could have… had a life? Together?"

He liked to think they would have, because he was sure being able to grow old with Lucy and have a life together would make him a very, very happy man. Happier than he had been with her in the last four and a half months. With her, he would be more than happy to settle down one day, and only with her would he have even considered doing that.

But right then, he didn't even care if Lucy just said what he wanted to hear; that they could have had a life together. He just wanted to picture something. Something to replace the darkness behind his eyelids.

"Of course," she said softly, her free hand lifting up to lightly push back his matted hair again. It wasn't something she was saying just because she knew it was what he wanted to hear; it was something she was saying because it was the truth. "We would have gotten married… And had kids, if you wanted to. Two kids, maybe. A girl and a boy."

Before Bickslow knew it, he was conjuring up image after image of the life they could have had in his head, and another smile was tugging on his lips. He could see them, all together, as an actual family. Him running around and chasing after Lucy as she laughed, only to catch her around her waist and pull her down onto the soft grass before the rest of their family came running up. A girl and boy, each of them a perfect mix of the two of them, and they'd all smile and laugh together.

As a family.

And as Bickslow silently went through every single thing his imagination could come up with, Lucy watched. And as his breathing got slower, more laboured, and more painful with each breath he took, she felt the tears sting her own eyes again. She was sure she wasn't going to be able to cry again after that day. She wouldn't have anything left.

But after just lying there for an immeasurable amount of time, Lucy pushed herself up onto an elbow and lightly let her hand rest against his cheek. She could see just how much pain he was in then, and she knew that this was it. It was time, but she needed to help Bickslow see that.

She needed his pain and suffering to come to an end and help him let go, because she knew that was what he'd been doing. He'd been holding on for her and because of her. But… It was time.

This was the end.

"Bicks," she said softly, squeezing his hand once again in one hand as she held it by her chest and over her heart, with her face just barely hovering over his. "It's okay, baby. I-I know it hurts… A-And it's okay."

He wasn't talking anymore, and he hadn't for a while. He couldn't open his eyes, and almost everything around him was muted. But he knew… He knew Lucy was there. He could just make out her voice, and as he let himself be pulled closer towards the warmth and that light that he wanted to just wrap himself in, it got clearer.

"I'm right h-here, okay?" she whispered again, her own tears falling faster and onto his own cheeks. She could feel each breath he took that barely fanned across her face, only getting weaker with each shuddering one he took. "It's okay, Bicks. It's… I-It's time."

 _Time… It's okay…_

"You can… You c-can g-go, Bicks… Y-You can let g-go now. Everything w-will be okay."

Lucy repeated the words with a steady a voice as she could manage, over and over again. Just telling him that everything was okay. That it was time to finally let go and be with his parents – and maybe hers – again. _Everything was going to be okay._ That was what she told herself over and over again too, because she needed to believe that it would be. She needed to believe that things would be okay after watching the love of her life die right before her very eyes, because right then, she was sure she was never going to be able to get over the pain.

But… It was still okay. In a way, it was fine. She was there for Bickslow, helping him and being there for him in his final moments, just so he wasn't alone. No one deserved to be alone when they died, and even then, she was glad she had been able to spend that time with him.

She didn't even know how long it had been. Minutes, or maybe hours… She just didn't know. Time hadn't seemed to exist when they'd just laid there, staring up at the stars together. And even right then, time still didn't exist.

Not until she was sure that it was really it, and seeing all of that pain that Bickslow was in slowly wash away from his face, she felt that last tiny piece of her heart break. "I'll always love you, Bickslow," she said softly, and then she closed that last shred of distance between them, and she pressed her lips to his.

And then it happened.

His last breath.

That was when time really did come to a screeching halt for Lucy, and all she could do was drop her forehead to rest against his as that last shred of pain left him. There was no more pain and no more suffering, because that was it.

And as she sat there, still not willing to move away or even let go of his hand, she didn't hear the five wooden dolls that housed the souls in his possession fall to the ground gently, and she didn't see their bright green bodies slowly float up towards the stars. Because as she sat there, all she could think about was how it never should have been that way.

It shouldn't have ended like that; it shouldn't have ended at all.

But now? Now it was finally over. All of that pain and all of that suffering... It was gone.

It was the end.

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 **Yeah... I'm sorry. I don't know why I wanted to write this so much, but I did. Like I said, if you haven't read S &S, most of the first part won't make that much sense. Or at least, how Bickslow got to be like that. Otherwise, well... You can probably think of something.**

 **And if you didn't guess, the other alternate ending one-shot will be for Lucy, rather than Bickslow... (I'm sorry!) I still don't know when I'll get around to writing that, since it is kind of closely related to what the story is up to at the moment, so maybe that one won't be for a while. Either way, it's gonna fucking hurt. Like this one.**

 **If you cried, well... I'm sorry. I still hope you enjoyed it. At least a little bit.**

 **Until next time.**

 **\- April**


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